Not Compatible with Life, but Compatible with Joy : Our Trisomy 18 Baby's Birth Story {Part 2}

It's been a very long time since I've written and shared anything about Deakin, our son we lost st 28 weeks with Trisomy 18.  I shared our whole story starting here, up until giving birth to him.  If you aren't familiar with our  journey, I suggest beginning here.  But for those of you who have been with me that long and remember, I'll continue...

I had gone into the dr's on a Tuesday afternoon because I hadn't felt movement all day.  They got me in at the last minute.  And once in the dr's office, they couldn't find a heart beat.

We confirmed with an ultrasound that our baby had in fact passed away.

I already knew in my heart that we had lost him.  But seeing it on the ultrasound screen, where it was so obvious immediately that he was no longer alive, was still hard.

We discussed options.  I could wait until my body kicked into labor naturally, but that could be weeks.  So I opted for an induction.

My mom and dad were visiting my sister and only a days drive away.  So we decided to wait until Wednesday night be begin the process so that my mom and dad could be with my kids during this process.

Wednesday was such a weird day.  I had a million blog posts to get done before embarking on giving birth and planing a funeral.  My sweet husband helped me get as much done as I could.

We kept busy.  Busy helped.  But it was still so incredibly difficult being pregnant with a baby I knew was no longer living.  It was so hard.  But we had no choice.

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Wednesday night I went into my dr's office and they inserted something that was supposed to help soften my cervix and prepare it for induction.  A dear friend watched our kids and we went to the dr and then went out to eat.  My mom and dad arrived in town later that night.

On Thursday we went in bright and early to the hospital.  On our way in, we saw a rainbow and it felt like a sign from heaven that God was aware of us and watching over us.  You can read more about that here.

They put me in the back of the maternity ward, so I would be separated from the babies being born.  Everyone was so incredibly nice.

They inserted a small pill around 8am that was supposed to induce labor.  I felt contractions for a few minutes.  Then they stopped.

Several hours later, at about noon, they came in and inserted another pill with an upped dosage.  Again, contractions started, I decided to walk around the hospital to try to get things going.  But the contractions soon ended.

Several more hours later, around 4pm, another pill at a higher dosage and the nurse assured me that she had never given anyone a higher dosage then that so this was sure to kick labor in.

Nothing.  Well, I had contractions, but they weren't doing anything.  The pain intensified but labor was going no where.

At that point I had been at the hospital nearly all day.  It was getting close to dinner time.  I wasn't having any productive contractions.  My body, that went into labor so quickly with my daughter and even quicker with my son (1.5 hours from a 1cm to a 10cm was really fast in my opinion), would just not kick into active labor!

Only a very few friends knew I was in the hospital.  Only a few people knew our son had passed away.  I was anxious and frustrated that labor wasn't kicking in, and maybe a bit crazy from not being able to sleep all week.

I found my hospital socks incredibly funny.  And I had been laughing about them all day.  They had the grips on both sides so no matter how you wore them, they looked like they were on backwards.  I finally posted something funny about it on Facebook or Instagram, I don't remember which...maybe both.  And while it made people laugh (as was my plan) it also clued many people in that I was in the hospital and we had lost our son.

I was grateful for the prayers offered on our behalf.

Because I was in a substantial amount of pain at that point, I asked for an epidural.  They kindly obliged.

I had had good and bad experiences with anesthesiologist a before, but this one was the best.  The gentleman was so kind and told me that I should not have to feel any pain if I didn't want to so if I needed something to call for him and he would up the dosage because someone in my situation shouldn't also have to feel pain.

I was grateful for the relief the epidural brought.

A few hours later, around 8pm or 9pm, with labor barely progressing, they upped my doseage again.  Somewhere after that I finally fell asleep.

It was the middle of the night and I hadn't slept all week.  Labor was not progressing at all and after hours of labor, I was barely a 3.   So around 1am, they came in with another upped dose of medicine and I fell back asleep.

About an hour later I woke up in a lot of pain.  My husband was asleep on the couch and I couldn't wake him.  So I called the nurse.

She came in and I told her I was in quite a bit of pain.  She called the anesthesiologist who came quickly and was able to offer a little relief with another pain med.  I swear this man became my best friend that day.  I sung his praises in the survey I received.  He was amazing and so kind.

She came in and confirmed that I was fully dilated.  My body kicked into labor and within an hour I went from a 3 to a 10.  Yup.  That sounds about like my body.

Once my body decides to go into labor, it is fast and furious and painful even on pain meds.

It was the middle of the night and I had two options.  One was to give birth with the on call doctor.  The second was to wait about 20 minutes until my dr could get there.  And he said he wanted to be there if I was ok waiting.

My sweet kind Doctor told the nurses that he wanted to be there, to help me deliver my stillborn baby.  Wow.  What an incredible Doctor.  So I waited.  The pain meds had kicked in so I wasn't in a ton of pain anymore, so I was able to wait.

He arrived, broke my water because my baby was too little for it to break on its own.  He told me to push. I gave one, not very good push, and our son was born.

The rest of the story is so special to my husband and I.  This is why I have put off writing about it.  Because I haven't been ready to share this special experience with very many.  So please, please be respectful of my story.

Our son was tiny; only 1 pound 13 oz, and he was born at 2:40am Friday October 18, 2013.  We were able to hold him.  The hospital cleaned him and dresses him just like they would do with a living baby.  They were kind respectful and called him by name.

And even though he was not perfect, his little feet were clubbed, and he was so small, he looked just like our other babies and he was perfect in our eyes.

Although he was no longer living, his spirit was strong and close.  And we loved spending that time near his presence.

It was late so we spent the night in the hospital.

In the morning my mom and dad came with or children.  A grievance counselor came in with books for our children and to ask us about our plans.  We had already figured out arrangements so she called the funeral home to finalize things for us.

A photographer came from now I lay me down to take photos, and captured photos of us and our son.  To some this sounds odd, but to us it brought peace, gave us images and continues to bring us memories.  My children especially love looking at them.

The sweet nurse who had been there when I gave birth spent her night making bracelets with our sons name on them to give to both of my children on a stuffed animal dog.  My kids both named their dog Deakin Dog and they both sleep with him often.  He is a very special stuffed animal to my children, even two and a half years later.

We invited a couple of close friends to come to the hospital and they came.  They both talk about the sweet experience it was and how they could feel Deakin's spirit.

I don't know if I have ever felt my Savior's love and my Heavenly Father so close to me as we did in those days.

We were sad and we grieved but we also loved and laughed and enjoyed life as much as we could.

We stayed in the hospital until about 3pm when we felt it was time to go.  My dr said I could go home whenever I wanted.  Physically, I was fine.  So I got dressed and we prepared to go home.

Saying good bye to our son and letting him go was probably the hardest thing my husband and I have ever had to do.

It was so very difficult.  But we did it.  And then we went home.  And tried to figure out life.

With my parents in town it was easy for us to make the final arrangements for his funeral.  We opted to have a small graveside.  We didn't want a full funeral.  But because it was October and it was cold, there was a little indoor building we could have the graveside in.

We asked a couple of friends to speak and asked two other friends (father and daughter) to sing a song.  And my dad dedicated the grave (which is basically a prayer said over a grave to bless it).  We asked a friend to take some photos for us and she kindly obliged.  We decided to hold this the following Friday, a week after Deakin was born.

And earlier that week I realized I had nothing to wear.  It probably sounds silly, but I was only a week post pardum and nothing fit.  Let alone something appropriate for a funeral.

My dear husband took my shopping and I finally found a long black skirt that worked.  I had a black cardigan and a teal tank I would wear with it.  I found a cute turquoise necklace to go with it.  It sounds so silly, but it was so nice to have something that fit properly to wear to the funeral of my son.

I was not looking forward to the funeral and I was also looking forward to it.  I knew it would bring a sense of closure and peace to everything.  But I also knew it would be hard.

What I didn't expect was the enormous amount of people that came and the incredible outpouring of love and support we felt that day.  I am still in awe of that today.

 

The room was filled to the brim with friends, family, neighbor's, my kids' teachers and people my husband worked with.  We were so overwhelmed we eventually stood at the door to welcome people as they came in because people kept flooding into the room in huge crowds.

I look back at the photos from that day and I'm sure people thought I was crazy.  I had a big ole smile on my face.  But the smile came because of the outpouring of love.  And the huge amount of people that came that day to support us and show us love, kindness and care.

We joke that it was like a wedding.  Where my husband works, most people dress in suits on a daily basis.  For some reason, they sat on one side and our neighbor's and church friends and family sat on the other side.  We joke that there was the side filled with suits and then there was the other side.  (Which also contained a lot of people wearing suits.)  But it still made us chuckle.

I couldn't believe so many people came.  We felt so loved and so supported, and the smile on my face that day was because of that.

We had many many people show up with cards and flowers and gifts.  They were all so greatly appreciated.  We bought a special trunk that holds so many of our dear gifts and treasures.  We also received a special ornament from two sweet friends that we hang every year on our tree.

We bought a special outfit for Deakin to be buried in and made a special blanket for him too.  The funeral home washed and returned the tiny outfit that he had been in in the hospital to us.  We still marvel at how tiny it is.

The service was perfect in every way.  It was full of life and hope and love; just as we wanted it to be.

After the small service we walked it for the grave dedication.  I am so grateful my dad was there and was willing to do that for us.  It was beautiful.  Then my family each put a rose on the casket.

Our sweet relief society at church (woman's organization) asked if they could provide lunch for us after the service, but we gently declined.  It was so very very kind, but we didn't need anything like that.  Instead, our family, my mom and dad and sister who had flown in all went out to eat together for lunch and it was perfect.

We spent the rest of the day together and just enjoyed the day.

My husband went back to work the next week, my family soon left town.  And we continued on with life.

Some days were and still are easier then others.  But time truly does heal.

I've been able to bond with new friends and reconnect with old friends who share similar experiences.

And if there is one thing I have learned from this, it is that as women, we almost never have our family turn out like we expected it to.

Most women I meet have suffered with loss, infertility or some other issue that has caused heartache in their life.  Rarely do I meet someone who got pregnant quickly every time they wanted to, had the exact number of children they want to and haven't suffered with any infertility or loss.

So many people I know have lost babies, struggled to get pregnant, or didn't have the number of children they hoped for for some reason or another. To those women, I understand your pain, your struggles and your difficulty.  But I also know that we all need to find a way to make peace with that in our own individual ways and I hope and pray we all find that peace that we need.

I am grateful that that peace has come to us.  That doesn't mean we don't have hard days.  But the peace is there.  We have understanding and we also have the sympathy and empathy to truly be able to mourn with those who mourn and to try our best to comfort those who stand in need of comfort.

When I hear of someone who has lost a baby, all I want to do is bring them a warm meal or flowers and give them a big hug.  I want to be a listening ear for any who want to talk and please know that when you mourn, I mourn too.  I feel your loss as if it was my own.

We are all in this crazy thing we call life together.  We are all in this weird thing we call motherhood and childbearing together.  I have seen experiences like this bond people together.  I have seen women uplift other women.  And I have sadly seen the opposite as well.

Please be kind.  Please show love.  Please show compassion.

We never know what someone might be going through, but they are most likely going through the hardest thing they have ever gone through right now.

So please be kind to all those around you.  As we have experienced so much love, kindness and generosity, we wish only to do our best to pay that forward.  We are not perfect, and we still have our trials and our hard days.  But we truly try our best to show others the kindness and compassion they deserve and so desperately need.

Even though we go through hard times there is love, there is joy, and there is hope!  You need only to look outside of yourself and your current situation to find it.

We grow as people and as women as we uplift and strengthen each other.

May you find love joy and peace in all of your trials, be they big or small. And know that I am always here if you want to chat or share your story too.

 

Here are all the posts in this series about our family's journey: